文／黃豔青修女
人生總有很多的目標和渴望，而我選擇修道生活，是一件完全在人生計畫之外的事。
到偏遠鄉間懸壺濟世
隨著成長的蛻變，在19歲時，我已經決定了未來的人生方向。依稀記得那一年的暑假，因著好奇而答應同學的邀約，參與協助社福團體舉辦的活動。在那次的經驗裡，我看見了在這世界上有一群人，一輩子需要旁人的關照，當父母年衰老去時，他們仍是父母無法放下的重擔；而我，有能力照顧自己，即使父母不常在我身邊，倒也能讓他們放心。從那次經驗的觸動，我萌生了不結婚的念頭，願意一輩子以自由之身，往需要的地方去為需要的人服務。看似籠統而又模糊的目標，卻在心中留下堅定的意念。
現實常無法跟隨著目標走。一次又一次的考試失敗，我心裡還是不願意放棄，無法捨下也不甘於就此放棄藥師執照考試，心中仍掛念著偉大的夢想：「等我考上後，就要奔赴偏遠鄉間去救世濟人。」但在現實的環境中，我不斷地在工作與學業之間忙碌著，年紀漸長，也開始明白自己的有限。就在此時，出乎意料地考上在職二技，雖不是期待的執照，我仍視為上天的眷顧，懷著回報的心，開始聽道理。
成為天父的女兒
慕道期間，我學習參加主日彌撒，雖然不懂，但是如飄流浮萍的遊子之心，漸漸地找到了安歇與寧靜。第一次參與聖週禮儀時，在遷供聖體的那一刻，那種不願與耶穌分離的愛慕之情，使我在生活中開始關切與耶穌的親密關係。保祿書局則成為我尋寶的地方，它充滿著天主聖言的臨在。聖女小德蘭的《回憶錄》裡，表達「愛」是平凡生活中的一切；德蕾莎修女的《一條簡單的道路》，在字裡行間反應出對人的尊重、關懷和愛。我不斷地思索，渴望如她們一樣「全心、全靈、全意」的奉獻。
2001年4月14日，是一個別具意義的日子，在耶穌復活前夕的隆重彌撒中，我懷著渴望與興奮的心情，領受了入門聖事。對我來說，這代表著真正屬於耶穌，是天父的女兒，並願祂悅納我為祂所做的每一件事。生活中的一切，在注入信仰之後，完全不一樣了。我意識到天主在我內、我是為誰而做，並願盡力做好每一件事，不管成功與否。在祈禱中，我學習放下，放下那盡了力但仍無法通過的藥師執照考試；學習交託，將每天的生活放在耶穌手裡；學習分辨，分辨想當修女的念頭是來自剛領洗的熱誠，還是真心全意地愛唯一的耶穌。
在聖保祿孝女會答覆耶穌愛的召叫
領洗二年後，我在法蒂瑪聖母的紀念日，成為聖保祿孝女會的望會生。當時的我不僅不清楚聖母為什麼有這麼多名號，對教義、聖經的認識也還很淺，為什麼會選擇修道這條路，而且還進入一個以大眾傳播媒體來傳揚福音的國際性修會？只因為願意回應耶穌在我內心「愛」的邀請。「我說：『我主上主，我還太年輕，不會說話。』上主對我說：『你別說：我太年輕，因為我派你到那裡去，你就應到那裡去，不要害怕，有我與你同在。』」先知耶肋米亞蒙召的故事，鼓勵猶豫不決的我，給予肯定的力量，願意勇敢地答覆耶穌愛的召叫。
25歲以前的我，從來沒有想過會認識耶穌、領洗，甚而渴望成為修女。雖然我的父母都是教友，常看見或聽聞他們熱心於教會活動，但卻沒有引起我對信仰的興趣。天主的作為真是奇妙，祂讓考試的意外，引導我接近祂。祂本不需要我的回應，來彰顯祂的光榮，但祂卻觸動我的內心，想要尋求並更加認識祂，而來到滿溢天主聖言的保祿書局，使我在文字中看見了祂，願意為祂告訴世人，祂是愛的泉源。
從「我」到「我們」的服務
有限的我，也許說不出動人的道理，也無法到天涯海角去傳福音。但是天主的愛藉著文字與音樂，跨越了時空的障礙，「往普天下去」撫慰受傷的心靈，帶給人新生命，使我相信傳媒的價值，能讓天主的能力在其中運行。天主修正了「我」想去偏遠鄉間救世濟人的夢想，祂將這個「我」擴大成「我們」。祂讓我在一個度奉獻生活的團體中，以無遠弗屆的媒體將福音擴及到世界各個角落，一起為天主的國來臨做見證。
回顧修會豐富且充實的生活中，有很多情況是入會前沒有想過的，但耶穌對我的愛恆久不變，祂帶領我走過每一天，學習藉著與每一位修女在生活的喜樂中，彼此歡笑；在挫折中，彼此扶持；在困難中，彼此祈禱。團體生活的彼此包容，使我們在使徒工作中能彼此合作。現在，我仍然在進行式中學習答覆天主的每一個邀請，期盼自己能不間斷地答覆天主：「是，願照祢的話在我身上完成。」
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