文／張智蓉修女
信仰承自外婆
我的信仰源自我的外婆及母親。外婆在領洗前，有民間所說的「陰陽眼」，可以看見靈界之物，這使她常生活在恐懼中。外婆天生聰穎，只要是在課堂上聽講過一次、書本裡看過一次，就會save進她的記憶中。所以外婆成了個博學之人，在二十世紀初期，一名中國女子能如此，是很難能可貴的。外婆取得了教師資格後，在基督教辦的教會學校任教，也因為這樣的因緣際會，而認識了主。
說也奇怪，一經領洗後，外婆就再見不到「阿飄」這些靈界之物了。一日，外婆經過一算命先生面前，被他么喝住，說要替她算命，外婆堅拒說不信這些，算命先生異常惱怒，就說：「妳不信嗎？那妳今晚便可嘗試到我的厲害。」外婆心中害怕，不知會發生何事，到了夜晚，外婆和我母親及其他孩子同睡在一張大床上，只聽到屋頂上狂風大作、樹葉擊打著屋頂，外婆及孩子們全都嚇得擠縮成一團，我母親說她不記得當時外婆做了什麼，應該只有祈禱吧！就這樣艱苦撐了一夜，天亮後就沒事了。但是奇妙的是，那個算命先生後來幫人算命就再也不準了，最後只好收攤。所以我母親的信德，就是被外婆的這個事件深深植入心中的：天主是大能的主，信仰祂就能破解惡勢力，並能使人脫離恐懼。
母親為我的聖召預備心田
說到我的聖召，就深深感謝我的母親，是她給我預備了好的心田，讓聖召的種子可以萌芽。民國38年，我一家人隨政府撤退到台灣，我們家非常窮困，就在此時，母親接觸到天主教，便開始去慕道，而我就在六歲那年與母親及哥哥們一起領了洗。
我記得母親每主日必督促我們上聖堂，她甚至也盡可能去參加平日彌撒。她會把從聖堂帶回的像書籤大小的聖像，一張張排在一起，貼在我們客廳的牆上；說它是客廳，其實也等於是臥房及餐廳，三合一的一個空間。在數排的小聖像上方，掛著一個夜光苦像。每天清晨我還沒起床或放學回家做功課時，會看見母親跪在床上，對著苦像，念她的早晚課或玫瑰經。母親在我做完功課後，也叫我跪在床上，拿起經本來念晚課。我每天在這屋子裡來來回回，眼裡看到的就是十字苦像及一張張聖像，教導著我有關信仰的事，如耶穌苦難、耶穌復活、耶穌聖心、聖母聖心、耶穌敲門、耶穌善牧、無原罪聖母、護守天使等等。若我不懂，母親就為我解說。
每年的暑期道理班，必定有我及哥哥的身影，因為若是不去，肯定會被母親好好修理。為一個孩子，我的信仰還是非常淺薄。漸漸地，我的本堂有了一個圖書室，這在信仰上給我很大的幫助。我最愛看的書是聖人傳記，並且憧憬著將來也要步武他們的後塵。一天，我們的本堂神父請來了聖保祿孝女會的修女，給我們放映教會的電影，有電影可看大家都好興奮。那大概是我第一或第二次見到修女，那種興奮無法形容，因為在我們鄉下是看不到修女的。修女臨走前，發給了我們一張聖保祿孝女會的簡介，我將它小心保存著，心想，我長大後也要像她們一樣去作修女。雖然那時我完全不懂修女是什麼。也許就是如此，聖召的種子漸漸在我心中萌芽。
生活就是祈禱
時間到了，一天，我給聖保祿孝女會寄出了一封向修會敲門的信，她們邀請我來看看，從此開始了我人生的另一個旅程。我還記得入會時的感覺，它讓我感覺到這裡的一切都是令我驚訝的，與我以前在家的生活是完全不同的，也可以說我們整天的生活是被祈禱完全圍繞、充滿的。我們的會祖雅培理神父最看重的，就是會士們的聖德，這從我們整天的作息表就可看出：每天睡前及起床的第一件事就是開口祈禱。一人拿起念珠高聲領念：「願天主永受讚美。」然後大家一面鋪床一面大聲回答：「感謝天主。」連我們隔壁總修院的修士一早就聽到由我們修院傳過去的禱聲：（拉丁文）「從一切罪惡中！」答：「求主拯救我們！」然後是十次的短誦：「耶穌的母親童貞瑪利亞！」大家一起答：「請聖化我們！」這是一串求聖母轉求聖德的串經，念50次。一面祈禱，我們也一面輪流去刷牙洗臉，接著就展開一天的神業工夫：有早禱、默想、彌撒、朝拜聖體及晚禱。晚禱後就是大靜默的時間，我們保持緘默直到隔日早餐才可以交談。早餐後，我們又進入靜默，直到午餐時，或是晚餐後的散心時間，才會有嘻笑聲。平時不隨意談話，為的是將整個心思放在與天主有關的事上。若是大家在一起工作，比方裝訂書，或是清掃等等，我們就大聲齊念玫瑰經，使我們的傳教工作或任何空檔，都充滿了祈禱。我們也被教導，我們所有的出版品，比外面一般的產品更有恩寵，因為裡頭充滿了我們的祈禱、犧牲與祝福。
帶一群人飛往天堂
我們的會祖也很強調工作，他說我們每人要努力做使徒工作，這些工作同時也是維持我們生計的方式。我們每人的工作要養活四個人，即陶成時的自己、現在的自己、老年時的自己，還有陶成中及生病的姊妹。這觀念促使我們更勤奮地工作。由入會起直到發終身願，每天除了祈禱、做傳教工作外，「好學的精神」也是會祖所強調的，我們要不斷地學習成長，所以我們有不同的課程，在修院內或外上課，或自己自修，這些課程包含：認識會祖雅培理神父及會母戴格蘭修女、修會的使徒工作及精神、聖保祿宗徒、聖經、靈修、禮儀、信理、倫理、祈禱、修會會憲、團體生活等等，為使我們能成為一位今日的大眾傳播的使徒。
今日回顧我的一生，是感恩、是讚美、是懺悔、是期待，充塞了我的心。我要說：我何其有幸，能成為聖保祿孝女會的一分子，因為我發現，原來修道生活就像是火箭，把我從人間快速地帶往天主去，同時也帶著一大群人一起往天堂飛奔。
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